I've heard that so many times in my life. I love you but you eat too much, I love you but you're too loud. I could go on but I won't. I feel like I am a rare breed. What I mean is, I love people unconditionally. If I love someone, I love them regardless of their faults, I think in this day and age that doesn't exist. Social media has conditioned us to think the grass is greener, to think what you have isn't enough. I have felt that many times in my life and it still follows me round, even now at 30+2.
I walk around feeling insecure about myself at least 70% of the time, which in numbers is a lot! I don't feel secure in my job, my relationship or myself. Its extremely draining.
When I met Kate (my wife) I was unsure-she knows this bless her heart!! I had been so hurt in my last relationship that I didn't know if I was ready. My best friend told me on NYE that I needed to get myself 'back out there!' Honestly I had no idea what that even meant! So the next day I signed up to a dating website-queue the sleezebags! I 'put myself out there' and I hated it! I quickly found out that the lesbian pond up North was actually more of a puddle. I instantly deactivated my account-it was too soon. Fast forward to 2 weeks later, I signed back up!...
Wine was my best friend, I drank it after work to sleep. I wasn't used to sleeping alone. Hadn't for the longest time. One night I drank too much and I knew me and wine had to end things. The next day I woke up feeling really ill and really for the first time, vulnerable. I wasn't used to feeling that way. So low and behold, I signed back up to said sight and swiped right. I had a match, it was Kate. My Kate, we bonded over food and hangover stories. The texting back and forth went on for around a week. I wanted to meet her but I didn't initiate it! thank god she did.
When we met I wasn't sure. Was it too soon? Did she even like me? I tripped up-literally! She didn't even laugh! We talked and talked for around 6 hours. I remember wanting to talk to her all night but we both had work the next day. We didn't make plans to meet again. However Kate had other plans. She wanted to meet the next day! I remember thinking, god! shes keen! So we met that night and I cooked for her and she survived!! I remember being in her company and feeling warmth, comfort, thinking she was the most interesting woman I'd ever spent time with! She still is!
Fast forward to almost 4 years later...we are married and have our own house and our Dog Luna. I have never ever heard my wife say I love you, but... she loves me for me and although at times I feel insecure, I know that's my insecurity, my issue. An issue that I work on everyday, I work on me. So she never has to say, I love you, but... xo