Evening, I realise it's been 2 whole days since you lot last heard from me. Sorry, been in a shitty head space and I didn't want to blog that and depress you all!
I hate the first few days after New years. Does anyone else? I hate the way it makes me feel once the festivities are all over and the decorations come down and normal life resumes. Not to mention the state your bank account is in and you've got to make your last £12 stretch the 300 days of January.
I'm not going to lie, I feel like I'm at crossroads in my life. I don't know what I want to do anymore. I feel like I'm losing the passion I once had for life. I'm not sure on anything and can't make a decision about anything- unless it's about which packet of biscuits I'm going to inhale with me cuppa.
I'm feeling insecure. I am most of the time anyway but I usually hide it well. Not today!! I keep feeling like I'm going to wake up in the morning I won't have anything. It's making me unsettled.
Anyway, I baked today. Now, surprisingly it was ginger cake, Now, everyone who knows me personally knows how I feel about gingers. Not going to lie at one time I was partial (if you catch me drift) but now, it gives me the 'ick' however, I reconnected with a good friend of mine last night and hes a ginge, so I got my inspiration from him. Bless him he's lovely, so cheers Alan!!
My wife's annoying me. She's not giving me enough attention. Which may I add I so rightly deserve! So tomorrow when she needs her hair cut, I won't give her the attention she deserves and shave the fucker off! Then have audacity to charge her £20 for the privilege (i'm skint, she isn't) I think that's only fair is it not? I thought so!! In all, seriousness, she's me whole world. She just doesn't see the way I need her sometimes. I think that could be my issue though. In my head it's hers but I know deep down it's me. I don't tell her though because I can't communicate like that. One of the things I love about Kate is how secure as a person she is. Nothing bothers her. It pisses me off how calm and collected she is. The house could burn down and she would just calmly walk out, I would be screaming like a fucking banshee!
Anyway, I've been going to college to learn barbering and i'm hating it. My tutor is a dick. Doesn't get how I'm not picking it up when I only do it once a week and I pay for the privilege. I tell you what, if I could afford it, i'd quit work and go on as many courses as I could for free! The rest of them on me course have got it right! He had a go at me last week because I couldn't master a skin fade. They are horrendous to learn by the way! His words were 'Ash, iv'e been doing this 25 years and I can do it'! So i retorted with 'give me a backside to wipe and I'd beat you hands down' that was my defence-pathetic! I was ashamed at myself, let myself down! What I wanted to say was, 'well if you couldn't you shouldn't be teaching other people how to do it you fuckwit'!! I mean come on? Talk about blowing smoke up your own arse! I mean, is it just me? My brain just cannot remember the steps and he has no interest in showing me. So if any barber is reading this and wants to help me out, give me a shout!
I'm back to work on Wednesday but I feel like I want another 2 weeks off. Does anyone else get like this. or is it just me? I feel like I've contributed enough tax and NI so I should be able to get me pension by now to be honest. I'm up with the larks every morning when I'm off, but when my alarm goes off for work I could throw me phone into a fire! I just don't know where I am at the moment. This isn't like me.
I realise I have to find some happiness out of life and I feel that writing or ranting is sometimes the only way to do it. I think it's helping me. Even if no-one reads it I can come back to it in years to come to see how far I've come. Or not!
Also, just as a side note- I think my menopause is starting. The hot flushes i'm getting right now are making me feel like I'm on a waltzer. I mean that would just be the cherry on the fuckin' cake when I'm booked to go to Greece in May! I can just see it now, sitting like a cherry tomato under the shade but not from the sunburn! Brilliant.
Anyway, I'm going to go and finish watching Queer eye and cry about how Jonathan Van Ness is not my personal friend on Instagram when I know in my heart he would love me.
Don't forget to love yourselves and fuck the New years diet off.
Lifes to short, order the chinese.
Ash Xo
The happiest gingers, you ever did see.
