Hey, it's me again. I didn't realise how difficult blogging my life would be. I've had some amazing praise and comments but some people don't get it. It makes some people uncomfortable I think. Guess what?! You don't need to read it!!
However, being me, I took the negative comments to heart. People really are arseholes aren't they!? They almost had me. Threw me off my game. Almost. I'm back now though, so the world is right again. Just kidding. The worlds still shit and full of idiots.
Been struggling lately, like trying to hold it together, at home, at work, supermarkets, salons. All over really. It's been a tough month for me. Its probably been tough for a lot of people so make sure you check on folk. 'Nice to be nice, costs yi nowt'. However, some people just haven't got any 'nice' in them. It's a shame really.
It's like I've hit a wall, not literally- just like a mental block where I can't think straight and I don't want to do anything about it. Its like a ket hole. You just sink deeper and deeper as you try to think straight and get out of it. I need to find something to occupy me if anyone has any suggestions? Don't suggest the gym. That fucks me off. Just because im slightly rounder than most folk. Doesn't mean I want to go to bums and tums. I've already had to wade through the obligatory weight loss adds on me social media. It's like a fucking plague! When they say they are targeted adds they mean it!! Piss takers.
Anyone else just get sick of crying but you can't stop? That's where I was at just today actually. I honestly don't know how I'm not dehydrated! Like you tell yourself to stop but you cry more because you're crying. It's a liberty and I'm an ugly crier- ask anyone! I just can't seem to stop feeling sad and the only thing that comes with the sadness is the binge eating. I must of put at least half a stone on lately. I realised I've stopped walking and started waddling.
I'll be alright though, I think anyway. I have periods of happiness. Like moments, they just don't last as long as they used too and I'm really not sure how to get them back.
I don't have a lot of friends. That isn't a nasty comment either. It's just the truth, the ones I do have, have their own shit to deal with and I can't seem to open up to them. I take on all of their worries but I don't give them mine. It isn't lack of trust, I think im scared of the judgement because from the outside my life looks great and I am truly grateful for it. I just want someone to be there who totally understands me. You know when people say, 'I'm always here for you'. They aren't. They have their own lives and you don't want to bog them down with yours. You see, I have an amazing wife. However there is a slight problem. Kate has autism. She gets me, but she loves to try and fix it. She loves to find a solution. In my case there isn't a quick fix. So she becomes frustrated with me and then I get annoyed at her so its a vicious circle. Her heart is in the right place though and she lives for my happiness and I for hers. So with that being said, if I can't sort myself out for me, I've got to try for her. So any suggestions are welcomed at this point...
I've baked a little bit but as usual I gave it away. I can't seem to eat it. I'm sure people think im poisoning them! I've been really busy at work and I've also had our bedroom decorated into a tranquil paradise! It smells like a 'whores handbag' with all the candles and diffusers. Kate isn't happy but I don't give a shit!
So I promise not to be away so long this time. I like this, I like telling you all things. Even if it does your head in! I like being here. On earth. I would like to stay and I think writing to you all is making it easier for me to stay. This isn't a cry for help so please don't think it is. Its me, telling you all I'm going to be okay....don't know when, but I will be.
'Its just a bad day, not a bad life'
Be kind to yourselves & one another.
Always,
Ash xo