My blog title always reminds me of the sketch from little Britain. Makes me laugh to think that’s how slimming groups are perceived when they are actually far worse.
I’m coming to you all tonight hungry. Hungry and annoyed. I’m on yet another diet. I looked in the mirror a few weeks ago and honestly didn’t recognise the person looking back. I’ve let myself go. I’ve never been stick thin; nor have I ever been happy with my size so I cannot win. There has literally never been a happy medium.
So, I made the conscious effort to try and cut out the crap. To be fair I’m doing okay. However I would sell my left kidney for a bar of chocolate. Any kind. I’d even go as far as eating the stuff that tastes like absolute shit. However, I‘m giving it all I’ve got. Seems sad to some folk but I’ve got a sweet tooth the size of Calcutta.
It’s like everywhere I go, all I see is the stuff I like. My social media is absolutely crammed with food posts and adds. I’ve nearly chewed me fingers off. I just don’t know why I find it so bastard hard. I suppose it’s because I’m just a fatty for life. I’m committed to it. I see it through. It’s the only thing that I’ve ever been committed to in my life. How ridiculous is that!?
I have a problem with food. I know I do. I always have had. I know that’s why I find a diet so hard. I’m all or nothing. I can’t just have a square or a row of chocolate. It has to be the full bar. How do people do it!? Just one square? It actually offends me. I harbour absolutely no shame in saying that eating has been a constant comfort in my life.
Everyone has a poison. Some people choose alcohol. Some choose drugs. Mine is food. People used to comment and I would get so upset that I would eat secretly, feeling ashamed. I would eat quickly so no one saw me. I’m tearing up just writing this because it still cuts me in two now.
That’s why now I’m dieting for me. Not because of other peoples opinions or attitudes towards me; because I want too. Sad thing is, I know I can do it and I could of done it years ago but you just get deeper and deeper into the hole. Well, not this time. I’m determined to do it. For me.
I’m not doing it to be skinny. I’m hoping it will help me learn the skills I need to eat sensibly. To feel more comfortable in my own body. To be me.
So, with that being said. If the next time you see me and you don’t recognise me? It’s because I’ve been eating dust!!
’if you can’t love yourself; how the hell are you gonna love somebody else’? -Rupaul
Take care, always.
Ash Xo