I realise as I sit here at 22.49 on a Saturday night watching Grey's Anatomy, pretending I know what they are talking about and all their medical jargon-that I have past it. Gone are the days when I would be out kicking my heels with my friends. I would of been on my tenth drink by now...I'm old. I got married and I finally settled down. I always wanted it. To be 'settled' but what does that even mean? Does it mean we stop going out? Or we put our spouse' needs before our own? Kate never moans, she never complains. If I want to go out, I go out. She actively encourages it-I think she likes the peace! She offers to drop me off, pays my taxi home and all she asks is that I let her know I'm safe. She's thoughtful. So why is it that I don't go? I always feel guilty. I always think I should ask permission. It's weird.
I have been asking permission my whole adult life. It's expected when your'e a kid. I get that, but as an adult? That's weird. To me it is anyway, yet I've always done it.
I haven't had many partners in my life- well, ones that meant anything anyway. However, I have been ruled in most of the relationships. Not because they were controlling, but because that's what I thought a relationship was. So here's a run down.....
1st girl. Footballer, tech geek. Hard has nails and stuck in the closet. I adored her. Loved her. We had an amazing summer. Meeting in secret, drinking, smoking and getting the best tan I've ever had! My heart was broken when she met that skinny blonde bimbo! We were best friends. All each other had. She had a power over me that I didn't even realise, I hung on her every word. She controlled my heart and I am thankful I met her. She was my 1st. I will always cherish it. Always.
Skip the 2nd.
3rd. Fell head over heels. Never felt love like it. Or so I thought. She ruined me. I allowed her to control me. I wanted to do what she wanted. Wanted to be where she was. I felt uncontrollable pain when we ended.....*
4th was canny, bless her. She's a good lass. I was a twat, I am very sorry if you read this.
4.5 Friends our whole life. It was exciting and exhilarating, but short lived and she's still a huge part of my life!
5th. Absolute idiot. Hung up on her ex. Couldn't think for herself. Half wit, abusive, toxic piece of shit who ran me over- literally!!! She controlled and manipulated me to the most horrendous degree. I wish her nothing. Lying, cheating piece of shit.
3rd/6th. Oh yes! She's back. By some stroke of luck, or not. I was back here. Again. It had been a long 5 years. We had grown up-but not apart. I used to think of her often, I never knew why. I believed she was my soul mate. I would find out in the cruelest way, she wasn't. It takes 2 to tango though. I reflect and think maybe I drove us apart. I was so in love with her I would of eaten her shit if it tasted nice! Ask anyone. I used to feel ill if she didn't show me affection, craved her approval. God know's why. She was far from perfect, to me she was though. When that ended I came to the realisation, I had let her control the way I thought about myself. I saw myself in a different light. Hated myself, felt paranoid. Later found out I wasn't paranoid. I begged her to love me. Makes me fucking sick now! My mind had been warped. It took me a hell of a long time to work through that. However, she deserves to be with someone who is her true soul mate. It wasn't me, and I mean this in the nicest way possible...THANK GOD!
THE LAST. Yes, Katy. She's it for me, poor her! I cannot be bothered to date. It is a cruel place the internet. I found Kate and thought, 'yeah, she'll do'...Just kidding, Kate was the first woman I'd met who didn't expect anything from me. She never pushed me to open up. Never made me do anything or go anywhere I didn't want too. I didn't have to work my arse off to feed an addiction or keep a roof over our head. She was stable, had a good job and was easy on the eye. She was easy to get on with and spending time with her wasn't hard. It didn't make me feel like I needed to walk on egg shells. She was just, easy. (make of that what you will)...
So maybe that's why I feel guilty. Kate never makes life hard. She is my biggest supporter and my best friend. I think maybe I feel guilty because I should be spending my spare time with her? She's so happy for me to be me. I find it bizarre and rare. I've never had that. It's been almost 4 years and I'm starting to let go of the guilt. Don't know if I ever will completely. All I know is that, if this is really it. If this is what marriage is, then I'm glad I signed the contract because it's not a bad place to be. Oh and did I mention, she's loaded so a divorce would be very fruitful! I'm kidding....or am I?
Take care,
Always
Ash Xo