Anyone else just love carbs? Like my love for pasta is like next level. It's like a hug in a bowl. I'm sitting here full to the brim.
Anyway, I've had a bit of an up and down day. I was happy this morning then went to the shops and spent way more than I should of done. I bought 2 side tables for me living room and now they're up, I'm already assigning them too our bedroom when its decorated (Kate doesn't know its happening but in my mind it is. It definitely is!) Currently sorting through 45 shades of mustard-ochre if you're picky! Now I'm rambling. Back to my day, so I came home and saw the Christmas tree still up and a plethora of cardboard on the kitchen bench (the shit bench, everyone has one, don't lie!) and I know I should be sorting it but I cannot be arsed. My mood just dipped, it happens a lot lately. I tell myself it'll go away and the fog will lift but for the love of Michael! When!? It follows you round like a sly fart you've let out in the presence of your in-laws. You know its there, you just don't acknowledge it. It doesn't smell of course.
So, I tried to cheer myself up by inhaling a pack of Percy pigs. Shite them now mind. Wouldn't recommend, I was just finishing off me advent calendar. I'm not going to lie to you, I could of ate something else but i stopped myself. It's getting beyond a joke with my eating habits. I have such an emotional attachment to food. 'I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat'
So, because eating didn't help I stuck a Netflix special on, as you do! 'my lover, my killer' People are sick. Like I knew they were, but these were exceptionally special-in the worst possible way. Anyway, I fell asleep through that and woke up to the heating on full blast! I was furious. Woke up all discombobulated and felt sick as a dog. So that was another fettle I was in.
That's when I knew I had to bring out the big guns. (not actual guns, calm down Karens) Pasta!! It just hits different. Makes you feel better, I know it's bad for you but after the calories I've consumed today what's the point? I thought F&*k it. So I made my favourite, Alfredo. I regret it now. Massively. It's that feeling of disappointment. At the time I thought it was a good idea, now I just feel shit! Never mind, nothing a piece of chocolate can't fix. I'm weak and I know I am, I don't hate myself though. I'm not going to catapult myself into the cult that is 'thinning girl' (wink, wink) God no. The condescending clap when you've lost a pound winds me up. Like really bad. Years ago I was all over it, would of done anything to lose weight because I was so unhappy with my size and anyone that know's me, know's I was a size! I'm not a skinny minnie but I'm not the size of a small cul-de-sac either, so I can kind of live with it;
I remember the saying 'a moment on the lips. a lifetime on the hips'. I remember at the time thinking aww F^%k off! Then I would eat 2 more Mars bars. In protest. It wasn't really, it was because I was ashamed. I would eat in secret, eat too much. Then walk around feeling shit for ages with the worst case of the runs. Queue the IBS. I could never make myself sick. If I could of, that would of been perfect. Now, I am not advocating an eating disorder. Just for me, I was so desperate to be thin. To look like all the girls at school who were pretty and had flawless skin. I hated myself. I truly did. However, the more I hated myself, the more I ate. It was vicious cycle. I hated myself that much that I got a job in a gym! A fucking gym! Am I even for real? It was like I wanted to punish myself! However, I went the opposite way. I stopped eating, got sick of the arsehole members commenting on my weight and how I should of been working out. It broke me really. When I left the god awful place and my shitty partner of that time, I told myself...that's it! You need to change. And I did. I started eating crisps instead of chocolate! Just kidding...maybe! I changed my mindset. I told myself that I deserved to be loved and be happy at any size. The weight fell off. I'm still fun size but not bus size, if you get me?
I realise I've told you all quite a bit there haven't I? You can blame my lash tech for this!! I'm just me, Rolls, stretch marks (no cellulite like) and all. I'm happy-sometimes! I have never been nor will I ever be a beauty queen, but what I lack in looks I make up for in humour and heart. I'm as true as they come and I'm genuine. If that's all people say about me 'Ash is so funny' or 'Ash is so kind' then I'm fine with that, because beauty fades and a good heart doesn't, that's why I
reward myself with pasta. It's like a little pat on my back. It truly is. Sad but true. I love myself and I hope whoever reads this who doesn't love themselves begins too. We've all been there and remember everyone, 'a balanced diet is a slice of cake in both hands'.
Take care, Ash xo
P.s This is me, feeling truly beautiful. For once!